Sleepaway Camp (By Request)

This was so bad I'm surprised I sat through the 30 minutes I did. Teenagers at summer camp are slowly killed off in the assumption no one ever saw any of the few dozen Friday The 13th movies. I have no idea how this one ends and cannot possibly even guess. But if I were forced to - the killer was someone who knew the dad who's run over by the negligent teenagers in the motorboat in the first scene. This was like someone took that 'D' I got in Organic Chemistry and made a movie out of it. Terrible.

Beowulf

Was it really necessary to overlay this flick with CGI? I figured out roughly twenty minutes into this one that if I took my glasses off, I couldn't tell it was meant to look like an entirely too long video game cut-scene.

So anyway, Beowulf kills Grundel, falls for the mom, bangs her, becomes king, then has to kill his demon spawn (this time around a dragon). He manages to do this by ripping out the dragon's heart, mid-flight, but not before he somehow cuts off his own left arm so he can better reach into the dragon's fire-hole. I vaguely remember reading this thing in high school and the story coming across nowhere near as retarded as its portayed in this movie. 100% entertaining, though.
Go figure.

Frontier(s)

So the French figured out how to combine Hostel and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake into one film. Good for them. I didn't bother to watch this entire film, since I'm not a fan of whole 'gorno' genre, but I'll take a stab (WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA) at how I imagine it ends:

Each of the kids is graphically disfigured, the girl escapes, but not before killing the sadistic grandfather or maybe burning down the house. Either way, I bet the last scene involved her drenched in blood/mud/whatever and crying by the side of a highway, where she's discovered and offered a ride by someone who's somehow connected to the muderous family that owns the motel.

1408

I've had indigestion more suspenseful than this stinker.

Just as you're led to believe it's all been a terrible dream, John Cusack's career takes one final lap around the drain and he lights the room on fire, killing himself and destroying the ol' 1408. I've painted myself into corners before, too, so it's cool.

Stephen King, you crafty bastard, you have won again.

Invincible

All I actually watched of this movie was the last 20 minutes, since it was on when I woke up today, so we needn't screw around with plot details before getting straight to the end:

Just when you think Vince Papale is going to suck the entire season, he is inspired by an anonymous note left in his locker stating "You suck - signed, the rest of the team" and goes out in the 2nd game vs the Giants, racks up numerous dramatic tackles, and then knocks the ball out of the punt returner's hands, helfting it up to score a touchdown at the very last moment, winning the game for the Eagles. HUZZAH! Cut to actual game scences, feel good.

Into The Wild

Luckily, you know at the outset of the film that the kid dies, so you don't need to bother watching all two-and-a-half hours of it. But anyway, the kid does actually try to get Outta The Wild when he realizes he's going to starve to death, but the river has risen due to the change of seasons and is uncrossable, so he goes back to the bus and dies. Read the book, it's better if not only for the fact that it lacks the unending Eddie Vedder vocal warbling that drove me nuts during what of this film I was actually able to sit through.

Now Taking Requests

Have a movie in mind you've really wanted to see? Let me know and I'll ruin the ending for you.

It's just that easy.

Lars and The Real Girl

Ryan Gosling rerpises Giovani Ribisi's character from 1999's The Other Sister, in what I thought when I rented it was a retarded screwball comedy about a guy who pretends a realistic sex doll is his girlfriend. It was retarded, so I wasn't far off on that assumption, but in no way was this funny.

Long story short, Lars is born and raised under power lines, and is a mentally ill 27-year-old man. Cutting directly to the end, so I don't have to think anymore about this gem, he pretends the doll becomes terminally ill and dies. They literally rush the doll to the hospital, have about 20 minutes of 'Lars shares those last few precious days with her' and then have a full funeral service and burial for it once its expired. At the last scene you see Lars accept the company of 'the real girl' because he's overcome his severe social anxiety of whatever the hell if it was that led him purchase a sex doll and pretend it's real, and blah blah blah blah blah. A real think-piece.

People who put together film trailers are geniuses.

Spiderman 3

(Last night I passed on the opportunity to join my friend Brendan and his buddy Bob on their quest to see Iron Man, thus being able to ruin the ending of a film the day before its major theaterical release. Instead, I chose to continue home to watch the second half of Spiderman 3, a film that's been available on dvd for ages now. But I must say, HOLY SHIT, what a doozy of an ending this turd had.) Here goes:

Sandman and Venom join forces to attempt to kill Spiderman, since neither seems to care too much for the guy in red. They kidnap Mary Jane and trap her in a cab suspended by a web 50 stories above the street. Spiderman swoops in and takes a massive beating from the one-two of Sandman and Venom. But right as Spiderman is about to take that last blow from Sandman that might end his part-time career, who swoops in to save him but Harry, his sworn enemy and son of Willem DeFoe. God I hate when enemies get together for the greater good. Gimme a break. But anyway, Harry rolls around on his modified floating snowboard, tossing bombs and missiles at Sandman, who we've already learned could be simply defeated using a supersoaker. Worthless. Harry dives in to save Spiderman from an attack by Venom only to be stabbed in the chest. !!!!! Spiderman figures out that all it takes to kill Venom is a tuning fork and starts banging together pipes. !!!!! Spiderman then tosses some sort of softball sized nuclear device at Venom, who has a headache, and obliterates him but is unscathed himself, though he's well within the blast radius of this thing. Harry dies. They go to his funeral. Mary Jane and Peter get back together. Spiderman 4 due in a few years.

Sorry this one was so long, but you know, complicated endings and whatnot.