Two-fer Tuesday - Twilight and Sex and the City

I internally debated for quite some time on whether or not to write ruins for these films, but then came to a solid conclusion - if the tastes of the readers of this here blog are anything like those of our editor, then they won't willingly touch either one of these movies with a 10-foot pole. So onto their respective coup de grace!

Edward is a vampire. Bella doesn't give a shit. They decide to be bf/gf. He won't make her an undead gf, much to her dismay. She survives an attack from an evil tracker vampire, and all is good in the mythical hood.

Big is a vampire. Carrie doesn't give a shit. They decide to be husband and wife. He won't make her his wife at the last minute, much to her dismay. She survies an attack from being stood up at the altar. Then a year or so goes by, and they really do tie the knot, really freals. Also, Samantha and Smith split for good, Miranda and Steve separate but then reunite, and Charlotte gets preggers. Good luck to her with making sure that the little girl she adopted from China a few years earlier never feels slighted or too different growing up. Confidential to Charlotte: we're watching you, and hope you're prepared for the second mortgage you'll need to take out in order to pay for Lily's therapy . Oh wait. You're both fictional.

PS We find out at the end of the movie that Big's real name is John Preston. Just sayin.

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

I'm not going to pretend like I didn't have beef with this one. First of all, what the hell is up with Simon Pegg acting like the poor man's Ricky Gervais? It is absolutely unnecessary, as SP already had his own brand of endearing putzitude™ which we've all come to know and love. Secondly, Jeff Bridges, a.k.a. The Dude (DUH) looks really, really old. I fully understand there is nothing that can be done about this, save extensive plastic surgery, and neither The Dude nor the makers of this film have any control over the matter, again, save extensive plastic surgery*. Nonetheless, it made me sad. So sad that I immediately dug into a bag of lard-fried kettle chips and a delicious bottle of riesling while I watched, and didn't look back.

Soooo, this movie is about the cut-throat world of entertainment publications blah blah blah. Kirsten Dunst plays the love interest. Didn't she go to rehab for weed? Who does that?! Oh right, rich people. And then there's Gillian Anderson playing a magazine maven, who, might I add, also looks quite aged! What gives?? She looked fresh as a daisy in The X Files: I Want to Believe. I guess I'll just have to suppose that being a shrewd and cunning business person will do that, and get over it.

At one point, I noticed that the lead douchebag character is played by the actor who portrayed the lead vampire in 30 Days of Night. I was kinda proud of myself for a hot second, and then realized that no one gives a shit and proceeded to open another bottle of wine.

I should come clean now and admit that I didn't make it to the end of the movie. Or not while entirely sober, anyway. But I'm pretty sure that it's safe to say that Simon and Weedhab end up together, and that El Duderino comes through as a big teddybear of a nice guy.

*We at IRTEFY find this icky.

Guest Ruin - 13: Game of Death

Welcome to Saw, Thai style.

13: Game of Death is about a down on his luck salesmen and all around pussy.

Chit, as he is affectionately called, has just lost his car to repossession,
his girlfriend to some oriental greaser, and his job due to slumping sales.
Upon losing his job he receives a strange call on his cell phone informing him
that he has just been selected to be a contestant on a secret game show called 13.
His objective, to complete 13 challenges as directed without telling anyone
that he is playing the game. His prize, 100 million Thai Baht which works out to
roughly 3 million American Dollars. Not bad scrilla for a day's work, even when
the current exchange rate is taken into account.

Chit accepts the offer and begins a series of tasks. First task, kill a fly.
Second task, eat it. This immediately draws the curiosity of a female friend,
ex co-worker and computer nerd Tawng who Chit may or may not want
to throw his cock into. From there the challenges start to increase in difficulty.
They range from eating shit (challenge 3) to carrying a waterlogged corpse up a
well on his back like a papoose (challenge 6) to killing Tawng's purse dog with a sword (challenge 12).

The entire film is interspersed with "You Bet Your Life"
style flashbacks of a troubled childhood. It is revealed that Chit is half Taiwanese,
half abusive drunken Irish Catholic coal miner. The flashbacks reveal a botched attempt to
kill his father with a butcher knife when he was ten.

Challenge 13 culminates on a grand stage where Chit comes upon an individual in a
wheel chair with a burlap sack on his head. Pulling the sack off reveals the person in the
wheelchair is his father who has apparently been sedated. The final challenge is to stick a butcher knife into his father's heart and terminate him. Chit, being the pussy he is, chickens out seemingly forefieting the 100 million Baht. Flash to a scene where Tawng, using her computer expertise and Google, finds out that this game goes all the way to the top of this developing-world nation's system of authority. She then infiltrates the lair of the mastermind behind the game show, a 12 year old internet savvy boy. Tawng is forced to watch the conclusion of the show in which Chit's father springs out of the wheelchair and plunges the butcher knife into his son's chest. It is revealed that Chit's father is also playing the game. His father throws his arms in the air in celebration while being showered with confetti. Game over.

-Joe

Hamlet 2

What, you haven't see this yet?! Are you serious? Are you serious. Get out of here! Honestly, stop staring at your computer and go watch this movie already! Unless you watch them at your computer, but regardless. It might be one of the funniest movies of the last ten years. Come on, people, I shouldn't even have to tell you this!

Oh, for crying out loud. You want your little ruin? Ok, here goes.


WATCH THE F*CKING MOVIE.

You're welcome.

Two Lovers

You might be watching this for a while and think "Hmm, wonder why it's called Two Lovers. So far the only thing Quinoa and Gwynie have done is a few minutes of sexy dance at the club." Just wait for it. Eventually they do it standing up on the roof of their apartment building. Nope, no need to thank me. It's what we're here for.

So Quinoa, poor schlump that he is, is constantly dropping everything to be there for the perpetually coked-up Gwynie whenever she needs him. He does this even if it means neglecting his new girlfriend, played by Vinessa Shaw. Wait, are you kidding me? My high school boyfriend crushed on her big-time after he saw her in "Ladybugs" opposite Rodney Dangerfield and Jackée. She's gorgeous, and obviously so is Gwynie P., so this also makes Quinoa one lucky bastard. Freal though, he is in a lot of pain, and his character is pretty lovable. And we learn early on that he's already suffered a great deal; his relationship with his fiance has fallen apart in a horribly unfortunate way, and he must move back in with his folks and work at the family biz. Also, not for nothing, butQuinoa is one cryabetic who is good about taking his funsulin . He rebounds from every crying fit with impeccable grace and ease, just like a baby once you make silly faces at it to make it happy again.

As expected, Gwynie P. breaks Quinoa's heart by staying with the guy who played Duncan in "Some Kind Of Wonderful" (how long have you been a lesbian, this is what my girlfriend would look like without skin, etc). ThenQuinoa proposes to Vinessa "Lucky Ladybug" Shaw with the ring that is inside in the comically large ring box. Take that, authors of The Rules. A girl really can get a marriage proposal out of sleeping with a guy on their second not-date and then fawning over him relentlessly. All it takes is for GwynethPaltrow to drag him through the mud first.

Omg omg! I forgot to tell you about the best part of the movie, when we're treated to a sneak preview of Quinoa's budding rap career! Wait, what? That was a hoax? No hopes for a future, posthumous Johnny Cash mashup project? Oh. Ok then. Peace out.

The International

This film certainly puts the "asses" back in assassin. These armed-to-the-teeth boneheads kill willy nilly, fuck up the Guggenheim something terrible, and are inept at splitting from the scene of the crime in a timely, stealthy manner. Seriously, even the movie 'Shoot 'Em Up', which also, of course, starred Clive Owen, did not have this much shooting of 'em up.

Not to fret, though, torch carriers of the Good Fight - the President of AssAss-inland does receive his just Turkish delights, and by this I mean he takes one between the eyes on a rooftop in Istanbul. Side note: of all the international city aerial shots in this flick, Istanbul is the most beautiful. I'm totally going once I get my passport.

In conclusion - Italy wins! Yaayy, Azzurri! And will someone please give Mr. Owen's characters some Lithium already? Dude needs to lighten up.