Two Lovers

You might be watching this for a while and think "Hmm, wonder why it's called Two Lovers. So far the only thing Quinoa and Gwynie have done is a few minutes of sexy dance at the club." Just wait for it. Eventually they do it standing up on the roof of their apartment building. Nope, no need to thank me. It's what we're here for.

So Quinoa, poor schlump that he is, is constantly dropping everything to be there for the perpetually coked-up Gwynie whenever she needs him. He does this even if it means neglecting his new girlfriend, played by Vinessa Shaw. Wait, are you kidding me? My high school boyfriend crushed on her big-time after he saw her in "Ladybugs" opposite Rodney Dangerfield and Jackée. She's gorgeous, and obviously so is Gwynie P., so this also makes Quinoa one lucky bastard. Freal though, he is in a lot of pain, and his character is pretty lovable. And we learn early on that he's already suffered a great deal; his relationship with his fiance has fallen apart in a horribly unfortunate way, and he must move back in with his folks and work at the family biz. Also, not for nothing, butQuinoa is one cryabetic who is good about taking his funsulin . He rebounds from every crying fit with impeccable grace and ease, just like a baby once you make silly faces at it to make it happy again.

As expected, Gwynie P. breaks Quinoa's heart by staying with the guy who played Duncan in "Some Kind Of Wonderful" (how long have you been a lesbian, this is what my girlfriend would look like without skin, etc). ThenQuinoa proposes to Vinessa "Lucky Ladybug" Shaw with the ring that is inside in the comically large ring box. Take that, authors of The Rules. A girl really can get a marriage proposal out of sleeping with a guy on their second not-date and then fawning over him relentlessly. All it takes is for GwynethPaltrow to drag him through the mud first.

Omg omg! I forgot to tell you about the best part of the movie, when we're treated to a sneak preview of Quinoa's budding rap career! Wait, what? That was a hoax? No hopes for a future, posthumous Johnny Cash mashup project? Oh. Ok then. Peace out.