Teeth

Dawn is your average 17 year-old Evangelical Christian abstinence advocate. She's cute, sweet, naive, and every man in her life (sans, ironically, her father) seems out to sexually abuse her. But Dawn has a shocking surprise in store for each maiden's head invader - her buhgina in loaded with shark teeth. You have to figure with that sort of plot we're in for a treat and can just cut to a severed-dong count:

3 severed penises. Boyfriend who tries to have his way in a cave; guy who she turns to when all goes wrong and find comfort with, only to find out he bet his friends he could bang her; and her step-brother, who she turns her choppers on to avenge the death of her mother. Yeah, really.

*BONUS: 4 severed fingers from the left hand of the Gynecologist who decides the speculum can't do the job that the old southpaw is known for.

I'd call this one a safe rainy day Saturday rental

RAMBO

Instead of ruining the ending to this marvel of modern cinema, I'll just say this - if you are male and between the ages of fifteen and thirty-five, just go rent it immediately. I guarantee you will find nothing wrong with this movie. Your friend who told you it sucked is an idiot. Don't even bother to get your girlfriend to watch it, and turn you phone ringer off so there's no chance of interruption. Trust me on this one

Ok, so Rambo saves the captured Christian missionaries, wipes out a brigade of Burmese soldiers and then packs his bags and heads back to the US to settle in the Arizona countryside. The war finally has ended for John Rambo.