Guest Ruin: The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Remember "The X-Files"? That was a fun show. You know what's not so fun? Paying 7 bucks (it was a matinee) to see a lousy remake of a cherished part of your adolescent nostalgia. The truth is out there.

Okay, let's get to it. Years have passed. Our heroes are older, wiser and more conflicted than ever. I don't know what happened with the whole "conspiracy" nonsense, but Mulder and Scully have been run out of the FBI. Scully is an ace surgeon. Mulder sports a beard, chews sunflower seeds and, taking a page from Mel Gibson's book, spends his days clipping newspaper articles about strange phenomena and government conspiracies. All is well until Scully is approached by an FBI agent, played by Amanda Peet, who needs help with a case. Women have gone missing, including a colleague of Peet's, and a psychic has offered to help. By the way, the psychic is an ex-priest. A pedophile ex-priest. (Cue pedophile priest jokes...now!) Peet has studied Mulder's work and figures he'll be able to handle the priest. Mulder shaves, signifying his readiness to again associate himself with the bureau. Peet touches the spot where he nicked himself; Scully watches with narrowed eyes. Drama.

Anyway, through a series of improbable twists, Mulder cracks the case, but not before Peet is shoved down an open elevator shaft and impaled on some rebar sticking through the concrete floor. (Oh, and the priest dies of lung cancer. It's ironic because: 1. He deserves it, and 2. He's psychic, but he didn't see that coming!) Mulder stumbles into a makeshift hospital in rural West Virginia, kills a two-headed dog, and discovers that Russian doctors are using body parts from the kidnap victims to keep a Russian dude with some freaky disease alive. Why? Good question...it seems to have something to do with another Russian guy, who is his lover. Mulder is overcome by the surgeons, and Ruskie #2 is about to chop him up with an axe when Scully and Skinner save the day. How did they know where to find Mulder in the middle of snow-covered rural West Virginia? After the two-headed dog, it's probably best not to worry about things like that. So Skinner busts the Russians, and Mulder and Scully agree to get away from "the darkness" for a while. They kiss, for like the millionth time. C'mon...it's just weird seeing that.

Conclusion: I saw this movie while hungover. It is probably best to see it before the more pleasant effects of drunkenness have worn off.